Thursday, January 9, 2014

New Year's Resolutions and Revelations

Holy Hiatus Batman! Where to begin? First, I guess it's a great thing that I have had to spend fewer days in front of a computer and more days being able to be out and about. So I guess I will use the next few blogs to kind of play catch-up.

Which leads me to my 2014 New Year's Resolution - Post here, at very least, once a week. Even if it's just a short little blurb. Once a week. There. It's in writing. It shouldn't be too difficult at first since I have over a year of material stored up, but because I have to start somewhere -


Like the title suggests, the content of this post is about resolutions (check) and revelations, of which I have had quite a few. One of the most important one's being - Not to waste my energy on people that do not deserve it. That may sound extremely self-interested, so let me try to explain. I only wake up with a certain amount of energy everyday, it's a very precious commodity. And like any thing in short supply, it's also usually in high demand. Work takes a lot of the pie. I still cannot work full 8 hour days without being dead to the world by day three, nonetheless, even my 4-5 hour days take a lot out of me. Home is next. While Bryan has no problem taking care of me, I also love taking care of  him. It truly brings me joy when I can do something for him after all that he does for me. ADLs - Activities of Daily Living. Everything takes energy.  Rising. Showering. Dressing. Brushing my teeth. Combing my hair... you get the picture. I take nothing for granted as it all drains my energy supply.  Friendships. Here is where it gets slightly less cut and dry. I am an exceedingly social person. I love going out, getting dressed up, surrounding myself with people and having an all around good time. My RA does not. My RA much prefers to stay home in yoga pants, sans make-up, with my unbrushed hair up in a ponytail. It's a battle I deal with every single day and sometimes, my RA wins. Sometimes I miss birthdays (even my own), dinners, parties, get-togethers, barbecues, cocktails, shindigs and the occasional soiree. I. HATE. IT. I hate it. I hate missing any type of social event or activity. It genuinely shakes me to my core. I hate receiving an invitation and having to check the "regretfully decline" box. I hate when people take it personally.

This blows my mind. Not only does it blow my mind that people think I choose to be in pain rather than party, but it has also given me two, distinct groups of "friends". The first are friends in every sense of the word. The ones that make up the infrastructure of my support system. The ones who, although maybe disappointed, always understand when the RA wins. The ones who know I would much rather be out rabble-rousing with them then watching reruns on my couch.

Then there are the "friends" that take it as a personal insult when I fail to make an appearance at any given occasion. The ones who don't understand and don't care to. The ones that whisper cheap digs or snide comments behind closed doors to each other, but can put on smiles and affectations when they want an invitation extended to them. The ones that are hurt when it isn't. The ones who lay a passive aggressive guilt trip because they fail to see the larger picture. These are the relationships that I simply do not have the energy for. Or, rather, I choose expend my daily energy quota on those who love and support me. The people that, when I say that I am too sore to go out, don't take my lack-of-presence as an opportunity to gossip or make accusations and assumptions, but instead, show up at my door, in comfies, with a bottle of wine in hand. If that makes me callous and self-interested. I'm okay with that.

If you are going to take anything away from this post - Learn who is there for you, and who is there for themselves and always give your energy accordingly.

No comments:

Post a Comment